I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
