Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
