My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
