grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
