why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
