I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
