The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
