Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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