my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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