at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
