so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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