You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
