I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
