I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
even my farts smell like vagina
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
