$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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