he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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