I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
