i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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