hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
