I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I believe in your delicious
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
