It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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