he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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