Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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