Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
