Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
