I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
