I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
