I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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