i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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