i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I just had sex on a roof
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
