I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
