She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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