When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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