I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just cropdusted the office
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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