wat bout pragnant strippers??
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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