I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Still dying that you shit outside
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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