wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
