omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
