Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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