the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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