That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
