Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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