maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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