Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
