i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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