It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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