there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
