I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
