I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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