I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
