My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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