my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
