I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
