Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
